if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
