My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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