I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
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Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
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I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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