You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
