my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
