Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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