He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
