i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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