She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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