he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
