It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
