I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize