my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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