Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
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Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
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Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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