woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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