I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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