legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The uberlube is also flammable
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
