Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
