Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Shame is for Republicans.
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