woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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