a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Randomize
