We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
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Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
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