if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
