I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
