Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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