Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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