My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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