The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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