pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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