Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
