I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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