Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
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Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
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My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
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