i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
