So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
