Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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