You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm sobbing to NWA
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
