So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
