i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
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He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
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I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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