You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
