your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
