apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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