Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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