I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
