I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
