I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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