We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Alive.
So much puke
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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