I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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