Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
