Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Text me some of your sweat
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
