I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
