my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
