Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
