OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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