he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
His hands were made for my vagina.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
