Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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