It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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